Living With the Loss of a Loved One

More people die during the winter months than at any other time of year. Those of us who are left behind often find ourselves feeling the sting associated with grief as the anniversary of a loved one's passing rolls around.

It is common for people to feel depressed, irritable or to develop flu-like symptoms around the anniversary of a loved one's death. It isn't necessary to be conscious of the anniversary to develop the symptoms of grief; our mind and our body have great memories, and if we have not allowed ourselves to fully mourn our loss, our body can re-experience our unresolved feelings, turning them inward and creating havoc in our life.

In the aftermath of a traumatic or untimely death survivors may feel what is known as "Survivor's Guilt." Around the anniversary of your loss you may experience nightmares or fear that you too will die young or suffer a tragic accident. Unresolved grief can create devastating consequences including ill health or thoughts of suicide.

Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. of Boulder, Colorado states that "unrealistic and unresolved guilt or grief reactions can lead to illness or death at or just before the anniversary of the death of a spouse, mother, father or child." Clearly the grieving process is not only necessary for optimum mental health but also for one's physical health.

So if your mood or behavior seems out of sync, search your memory to see if you may be experiencing anniversary related grief. Be kind to yourself, it can take 6 months to 2 years to fully grieve the loss of a loved one. But if you haven't worked through your feelings of denial, anger, bartering, depression and acceptance (as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) you can experience the effects of anniversary grief for decades.

Begin by acknowledging what you are feeling and experiencing, then look for opportunities to talk about your memories with a trusted friend. Start a journal and record your thoughts and how they relate to your loss. Visit the grave and have a candid talk with your loved one or write down what you would say to them if you could see them one last time.

If you have troubled memories or feelings acknowledge them. Idealizing those who have passed is neither honest nor helpful. Be willing to entertain all your feelings, even those that aren't pretty, being careful not to get stuck in your negativity.

You will know you have completed your grieving process when the anniversary comes and goes without incident, or when you can share memories with minimal emotion. Some say that time heals all wounds, but unless you are an active participant in your grieving process it may take the rest of your life.

Surviving Grief and Loss

The winter months can be emotionally difficult for some of us. Perhaps the decrease in sun exposure plays a role. Or maybe it is the house-bound blues that contributes to feelings of sadness and grief. Feelings of grief can rise to the surface more easily during the winter months than any other time of year.

Intense feelings of grief can be overwhelming to the point of making it difficult to get through the day. It doesn't matter if you are grieving the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, the toll of grief on the psyche can carry you down into the depths of intense pain.

Here are some guidelines to help you through the grief process:

Take your time. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Give yourself permission to go through the process at your own rate and in your own way.

Allow yourself to get back into the swing of things. Laughing or enjoying lunch with a friend is not betraying your deceased loved one. Ask yourself if your loved one would want you to be miserable, or would they want you to enjoy your life?

Talk about your loss. Talking about the good times, your feelings of sadness and your aspirations for the future is one of the fastest ways to get through the grieving process.

Get back into your hobbies. Engaging in activities that require focus and creativity can be very therapeutic.

Give yourself a specified amount of time everyday to actively grieve. Taking 15 minutes every morning to slow down and feel your deepest feelings will not only help you get through the process but once you have allowed yourself time to feel your feelings you can then dedicate the rest of your day to getting on with life.

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