More people die during the winter months than at any other time of year. Those of us who are left behind often find ourselves feeling the sting associated with grief as the anniversary of a loved one's passing rolls around.
It is common for people to feel depressed, irritable or to develop flu-like symptoms around the anniversary of a loved one's death. It isn't necessary to be conscious of the anniversary to develop the symptoms of grief; our mind and our body have great memories, and if we have not allowed ourselves to fully mourn our loss, our body can re-experience our unresolved feelings, turning them inward and creating havoc in our life.
In the aftermath of a traumatic or untimely death survivors may feel what is known as "Survivor's Guilt." Around the anniversary of your loss you may experience nightmares or fear that you too will die young or suffer a tragic accident. Unresolved grief can create devastating consequences including ill health or thoughts of suicide.
Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. of Boulder, Colorado states that "unrealistic and unresolved guilt or grief reactions can lead to illness or death at or just before the anniversary of the death of a spouse, mother, father or child." Clearly the grieving process is not only necessary for optimum mental health but also for one's physical health.
So if your mood or behavior seems out of sync, search your memory to see if you may be experiencing anniversary related grief. Be kind to yourself, it can take 6 months to 2 years to fully grieve the loss of a loved one. But if you haven't worked through your feelings of denial, anger, bartering, depression and acceptance (as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) you can experience the effects of anniversary grief for decades.
Begin by acknowledging what you are feeling and experiencing, then look for opportunities to talk about your memories with a trusted friend. Start a journal and record your thoughts and how they relate to your loss. Visit the grave and have a candid talk with your loved one or write down what you would say to them if you could see them one last time.
If you have troubled memories or feelings acknowledge them. Idealizing those who have passed is neither honest nor helpful. Be willing to entertain all your feelings, even those that aren't pretty, being careful not to get stuck in your negativity.
You will know you have completed your grieving process when the anniversary comes and goes without incident, or when you can share memories with minimal emotion. Some say that time heals all wounds, but unless you are an active participant in your grieving process it may take the rest of your life.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday
Adult Children of Divorce - How to Cope
Most people these days have some understanding of the emotional trauma that children undergo when their parents divorce. Because of the increase of divorce during the 80's much of the latest research has focused on adult children of divorce - both those who were young when their parent's divorced and those who are adults dealing with a parent's divorce.
What has been very telling in the latest research is the finding that adults who's parent's have long since divorced report having unresolved feelings that directly relate to the early family break-up. Many report still feeling partly responsible for their parent's divorce, and most report having had much difficulty in their adult life forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Another interesting finding is that for those who are adults at the time of their parent's divorce, the feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and insecurity are much the same as they are for children who's parents divorce. They worry about family gatherings and who will be upset if the adult child spends time with the other parent. They feel torn in their desire to remain loyal to both parents. They fear loosing the love or the relationship with one or both parents. Overall, the feelings, the trauma and the discomfort remains the same - just the level of understanding differs.
Here are some ways that adult children can begin to cope:
* The adult child should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict.
* Don't get involved in their financial arrangements or invite one parent to live with you during their transition.
* The adult child needs to have a well developed support network that allows a "safe" place to let out feelings and to recieve helpful input.
* Grieving is normal! you need to allow yourself times to cry, times to vent, and times to feel sad. It's OK.
* It's important to work on forgiving your parents weaknesses and faults. A little understanding and reasonable expectations go a long way toward healing.
* Family gatherings are important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.
* Create your own traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family ties.
* Spend positive time together at the new family gatherings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.
* If angry feelings bubble to the surface when family is together politely excuse yourself and later let the family know that you refuse to be involved in any type of gossip or angry banter against other members of the family.
What has been very telling in the latest research is the finding that adults who's parent's have long since divorced report having unresolved feelings that directly relate to the early family break-up. Many report still feeling partly responsible for their parent's divorce, and most report having had much difficulty in their adult life forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Another interesting finding is that for those who are adults at the time of their parent's divorce, the feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and insecurity are much the same as they are for children who's parents divorce. They worry about family gatherings and who will be upset if the adult child spends time with the other parent. They feel torn in their desire to remain loyal to both parents. They fear loosing the love or the relationship with one or both parents. Overall, the feelings, the trauma and the discomfort remains the same - just the level of understanding differs.
Here are some ways that adult children can begin to cope:
* The adult child should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict.
* Don't get involved in their financial arrangements or invite one parent to live with you during their transition.
* The adult child needs to have a well developed support network that allows a "safe" place to let out feelings and to recieve helpful input.
* Grieving is normal! you need to allow yourself times to cry, times to vent, and times to feel sad. It's OK.
* It's important to work on forgiving your parents weaknesses and faults. A little understanding and reasonable expectations go a long way toward healing.
* Family gatherings are important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.
* Create your own traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family ties.
* Spend positive time together at the new family gatherings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.
* If angry feelings bubble to the surface when family is together politely excuse yourself and later let the family know that you refuse to be involved in any type of gossip or angry banter against other members of the family.
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