With all the talking we do everyday one might think that using words would be a refined and easy form of communication. No so. Even those of us who teach others how to communicate effectively can slip into old habits when upset or when caught off guard. So here are a couple of reminders to help you get through your next complicated communication scenario without making matters worse.
Remember to use "I statements" and express your actual thoughts and feelings instead of negating or criticizing another persons opinion. If someone mentions that someone is a jerk and you don't agree, own your opinion by using the word "I" to express how you feel. For example: "Hmmm, I kind of like the way he stands up for himself."
This way you are not criticizing the other persons' opinion, you are just disagreeing with them. If however you respond by saying "That's not true." you are in effect telling the other person that they are wrong and you are right; you are criticizing their opinion, igniting a potential argument. In short you are taking a simple difference of opinion and turning it into a negative and hurtful verbal exchange.
Words are a tricky form of communication, and unless we grew up in a home where healthy communication was the norm it can take a great deal of effort to learn how to express our needs clearly, to listen without judgment and to express our differences without creating hurt feelings. However, making the effort can mean the difference in maintaining happy, healthy relationships.
Friday
Living With the Loss of a Loved One
More people die during the winter months than at any other time of year. Those of us who are left behind often find ourselves feeling the sting associated with grief as the anniversary of a loved one's passing rolls around.
It is common for people to feel depressed, irritable or to develop flu-like symptoms around the anniversary of a loved one's death. It isn't necessary to be conscious of the anniversary to develop the symptoms of grief; our mind and our body have great memories, and if we have not allowed ourselves to fully mourn our loss, our body can re-experience our unresolved feelings, turning them inward and creating havoc in our life.
In the aftermath of a traumatic or untimely death survivors may feel what is known as "Survivor's Guilt." Around the anniversary of your loss you may experience nightmares or fear that you too will die young or suffer a tragic accident. Unresolved grief can create devastating consequences including ill health or thoughts of suicide.
Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. of Boulder, Colorado states that "unrealistic and unresolved guilt or grief reactions can lead to illness or death at or just before the anniversary of the death of a spouse, mother, father or child." Clearly the grieving process is not only necessary for optimum mental health but also for one's physical health.
So if your mood or behavior seems out of sync, search your memory to see if you may be experiencing anniversary related grief. Be kind to yourself, it can take 6 months to 2 years to fully grieve the loss of a loved one. But if you haven't worked through your feelings of denial, anger, bartering, depression and acceptance (as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) you can experience the effects of anniversary grief for decades.
Begin by acknowledging what you are feeling and experiencing, then look for opportunities to talk about your memories with a trusted friend. Start a journal and record your thoughts and how they relate to your loss. Visit the grave and have a candid talk with your loved one or write down what you would say to them if you could see them one last time.
If you have troubled memories or feelings acknowledge them. Idealizing those who have passed is neither honest nor helpful. Be willing to entertain all your feelings, even those that aren't pretty, being careful not to get stuck in your negativity.
You will know you have completed your grieving process when the anniversary comes and goes without incident, or when you can share memories with minimal emotion. Some say that time heals all wounds, but unless you are an active participant in your grieving process it may take the rest of your life.
It is common for people to feel depressed, irritable or to develop flu-like symptoms around the anniversary of a loved one's death. It isn't necessary to be conscious of the anniversary to develop the symptoms of grief; our mind and our body have great memories, and if we have not allowed ourselves to fully mourn our loss, our body can re-experience our unresolved feelings, turning them inward and creating havoc in our life.
In the aftermath of a traumatic or untimely death survivors may feel what is known as "Survivor's Guilt." Around the anniversary of your loss you may experience nightmares or fear that you too will die young or suffer a tragic accident. Unresolved grief can create devastating consequences including ill health or thoughts of suicide.
Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. of Boulder, Colorado states that "unrealistic and unresolved guilt or grief reactions can lead to illness or death at or just before the anniversary of the death of a spouse, mother, father or child." Clearly the grieving process is not only necessary for optimum mental health but also for one's physical health.
So if your mood or behavior seems out of sync, search your memory to see if you may be experiencing anniversary related grief. Be kind to yourself, it can take 6 months to 2 years to fully grieve the loss of a loved one. But if you haven't worked through your feelings of denial, anger, bartering, depression and acceptance (as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) you can experience the effects of anniversary grief for decades.
Begin by acknowledging what you are feeling and experiencing, then look for opportunities to talk about your memories with a trusted friend. Start a journal and record your thoughts and how they relate to your loss. Visit the grave and have a candid talk with your loved one or write down what you would say to them if you could see them one last time.
If you have troubled memories or feelings acknowledge them. Idealizing those who have passed is neither honest nor helpful. Be willing to entertain all your feelings, even those that aren't pretty, being careful not to get stuck in your negativity.
You will know you have completed your grieving process when the anniversary comes and goes without incident, or when you can share memories with minimal emotion. Some say that time heals all wounds, but unless you are an active participant in your grieving process it may take the rest of your life.
Saturday
Reducing Stress and Taking Control of your Life
So its official, you are feeling stressed, now what? Whether you are feeling momentarily overwhelmed or if you are prone to stress related panic attacks you can take control of your state of mind by learning and utilizing a few simple procedures. One of the quickest and most effective ways to reduce stress, curtail a panic attack or just to relax for the night is breathing exercises.
Practicing a deep breathing exercise can be both calming and energizing. Reducing your level of stress via controlled breathing has been shone to clear confusion, induce healthy sleep and even aid in the digestive process. It’s easy and you can do it nearly anywhere at any time. This exercise is the best and easiest tool I know for managing stress.
1. Sit up straight or lie flat on something firm but comfortable.
2. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of eight, making sure to empty both your upper lung (shoulder area) and your lower lung (stomach area).
3. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a count of eight, refilling both your upper and lower lung.
4. Hold your breath for a count of six.
5. Exhale again through your mouth to a count of eight.
6. Repeat three times.
Practice this breathing exercise twice a day. You can repeat the whole sequence whenever you begin to feel overwhelmed, but don't do more than four breaths at one time. Slowing down your breathing will help keep you from hyperventilating but be aware of your body and stop if you begin to feel light headed.
1. Regular exercise is another great way to help reduce the build up of daily stress. A brisk walk for 15-20 minutes is sufficient. But if you can only do five minutes at a time start there. Work up to exercising for thirty minutes, five days a week. Biking, swimming, gardening, or whatever physical activity appeals to you is acceptable.
2. Try to get at least 20 minutes of sunshine a day. Try walking the dog or reading a book at the park to get some sun. Even on a cloudy day the sun's uplifting rays can decrease your stress level. Sit at a sunny window for breakfast or go out and pull some weeds.
3. Decrease the amount of caffeine you take in each day. Caffeine can make a stressful situation feel worse.
4. Time management is one of the best ways to decrease daily stress. If you can manage your time properly, you will eliminate the stress of worrying about being late or becoming stressed in traffic. Managing your time means being realistic about what you are actually able to do in a given period of time rather than what you think you ought to get done.
5. Do your best to get enough sleep and to maintain a regular sleep pattern. Most people need between 8-10 hours of good undisturbed sleep every night. Recent studies have shown that taking a 15-30 minute power nap in the middle of the day reduces employee stress and improves productivity by as much as 25%. If you stay at home during the day take a nap when your children take theirs, instead of using that time to get more work done.
Attitude is half the battle. People who best deal with stressful situations are those who have a positive outlook on life, who are able to think realistically about the situation and attack a problem head on instead of going into denial or panic mode. For instance, if your child breaks a vase while playing indoors you can panic, get angry at the child or you can be grateful the child didn’t get hurt and recognize that everyone has accidents.
Your attitude and the way you decide to interpret stress can make an enormous difference in the way you cope with everyday events. Remember that you are ultimately in control, and by utilizing these simple steps you can change your life for good.
Practicing a deep breathing exercise can be both calming and energizing. Reducing your level of stress via controlled breathing has been shone to clear confusion, induce healthy sleep and even aid in the digestive process. It’s easy and you can do it nearly anywhere at any time. This exercise is the best and easiest tool I know for managing stress.
1. Sit up straight or lie flat on something firm but comfortable.
2. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of eight, making sure to empty both your upper lung (shoulder area) and your lower lung (stomach area).
3. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a count of eight, refilling both your upper and lower lung.
4. Hold your breath for a count of six.
5. Exhale again through your mouth to a count of eight.
6. Repeat three times.
Practice this breathing exercise twice a day. You can repeat the whole sequence whenever you begin to feel overwhelmed, but don't do more than four breaths at one time. Slowing down your breathing will help keep you from hyperventilating but be aware of your body and stop if you begin to feel light headed.
1. Regular exercise is another great way to help reduce the build up of daily stress. A brisk walk for 15-20 minutes is sufficient. But if you can only do five minutes at a time start there. Work up to exercising for thirty minutes, five days a week. Biking, swimming, gardening, or whatever physical activity appeals to you is acceptable.
2. Try to get at least 20 minutes of sunshine a day. Try walking the dog or reading a book at the park to get some sun. Even on a cloudy day the sun's uplifting rays can decrease your stress level. Sit at a sunny window for breakfast or go out and pull some weeds.
3. Decrease the amount of caffeine you take in each day. Caffeine can make a stressful situation feel worse.
4. Time management is one of the best ways to decrease daily stress. If you can manage your time properly, you will eliminate the stress of worrying about being late or becoming stressed in traffic. Managing your time means being realistic about what you are actually able to do in a given period of time rather than what you think you ought to get done.
5. Do your best to get enough sleep and to maintain a regular sleep pattern. Most people need between 8-10 hours of good undisturbed sleep every night. Recent studies have shown that taking a 15-30 minute power nap in the middle of the day reduces employee stress and improves productivity by as much as 25%. If you stay at home during the day take a nap when your children take theirs, instead of using that time to get more work done.
Attitude is half the battle. People who best deal with stressful situations are those who have a positive outlook on life, who are able to think realistically about the situation and attack a problem head on instead of going into denial or panic mode. For instance, if your child breaks a vase while playing indoors you can panic, get angry at the child or you can be grateful the child didn’t get hurt and recognize that everyone has accidents.
Your attitude and the way you decide to interpret stress can make an enormous difference in the way you cope with everyday events. Remember that you are ultimately in control, and by utilizing these simple steps you can change your life for good.
Wednesday
Should Depressed, or Obsessive Compulsive People Vote?
Snippets from a University of Arkansas news release
Of the 50 states in our nation, 44 contain constitutional laws and statutes that bar individuals with emotional or cognitive impairment from voting," said Kay Schriner, research fellow at the Fulbright Institute of International Relations. "The only other group of Americans who face such disenfranchisement are convicted felons."
According to Schriner's research, the practice of revoking voting rights for people with mental disabilities began with the earliest state constitutions, drafted and ratified in the 1700s. Early American politicians felt that excluding "the idiot and insane" would ensure that the voting public consisted only of those capable of making informed and intelligent political decisions.
But as medical and social concepts of mental disability continued to evolve, these exclusionary laws were neither altered nor erased. In fact, states persisted in drafting and amending their constitutions to include such laws until as late as 1959.
As these issues come to light, it becomes increasingly important that people with disabilities -- both physical and mental -- be allowed to participate in the formation of policies that directly affect them.
Rather than making a blanket discrimination against people with mental illnesses, Schriner suggests that states conduct individual assessments of competency before banning a person from the election process. Yet even this can cause personal humiliation and could be viewed as a form of discrimination, Schriner said.
A better solution would be to throw out the disenfranchisement laws altogether and follow one simple rule: if a person can fill out a voting registration card, that person should then be considered competent to vote.
"Someone in an active psychotic state is not likely to sit down and register to vote or to visit their local polling place," said Schriner. "It's ridiculous even to worry about that, let alone write a law to prevent it."
Of the 50 states in our nation, 44 contain constitutional laws and statutes that bar individuals with emotional or cognitive impairment from voting," said Kay Schriner, research fellow at the Fulbright Institute of International Relations. "The only other group of Americans who face such disenfranchisement are convicted felons."
According to Schriner's research, the practice of revoking voting rights for people with mental disabilities began with the earliest state constitutions, drafted and ratified in the 1700s. Early American politicians felt that excluding "the idiot and insane" would ensure that the voting public consisted only of those capable of making informed and intelligent political decisions.
But as medical and social concepts of mental disability continued to evolve, these exclusionary laws were neither altered nor erased. In fact, states persisted in drafting and amending their constitutions to include such laws until as late as 1959.
As these issues come to light, it becomes increasingly important that people with disabilities -- both physical and mental -- be allowed to participate in the formation of policies that directly affect them.
Rather than making a blanket discrimination against people with mental illnesses, Schriner suggests that states conduct individual assessments of competency before banning a person from the election process. Yet even this can cause personal humiliation and could be viewed as a form of discrimination, Schriner said.
A better solution would be to throw out the disenfranchisement laws altogether and follow one simple rule: if a person can fill out a voting registration card, that person should then be considered competent to vote.
"Someone in an active psychotic state is not likely to sit down and register to vote or to visit their local polling place," said Schriner. "It's ridiculous even to worry about that, let alone write a law to prevent it."
Thursday
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Family
I had a friend once who had intense, frequent thoughts of her own death. She imagined that she was going to be hit by a car. Although she was in therapy, she was not getting the help she needed, and before long she found it difficult to drive her car, fearing an accident. She so feared the power of her thoughts that she eventually became afraid to leave her home for fear of being hit by a car. She was 23, and the last time I heard from her, 10 years later, she was still housebound. To preserve her live she imprisoned herself in her home and stopped living.
Many people with Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD) have frequent thoughts of catastrophic death, either their own or that of their family members. The anxiety they feel when thoughts pop into their mind is so powerful that they can come to believe that their thoughts have the power to create the imagined catastrophe. To anyone else, that sounds downright crazy, but for the person experiencing the obsessive thought it seems very real.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a common topic on the talk show circuit, but what most people don't know is that most of us have some degree of obsessive and or compulsive tendencies. Obsessions are when you can't stop thinking about something, like worrying about whether or not you locked the door. Compulsions are when you feel compelled to do something, such as repeatedly checking to see if you really did lock the door.
Compulsive or obsessive tendencies don't become a problem unless they begin to verge on the irrational, or they begin to negatively impact your life or the life of those around you. For instance, you have to check the front door several times in order to feel secure, or you begin to feel anxious, worrying that the door might not have been locked properly. You might even return home prematurely in order to appease your anxiety.
One of the most devastating problems that results from a parent with irrational obsessions or compulsions is the negative impact it can have on the lives of their children. A parent that is overly afraid of germs, unhealthy foods or engaging in specific activities will inadvertently teach their children to fear the world.
I have seen children that were never allowed to jump on a trampoline or to stay overnight with a friend because of their parent's heightened anxiety and irrational fears. These children are being psychologically crippled by their neurotic parent. The fear based parent is forever changing who their child becomes, preventing them the freedom to explore the world around them or to live life to their fullest potential.
A parent terrified of their child being injured or dying may prevent them from swimming at the shore or bike riding with their friends. A parent who makes their child pay the price for their anxiety will unwittingly raise a child who reacts in one of two ways. Either the child will become rebellious, angry, and unable to discern between safe and unsafe activities. Or the child may adapt to the parent's neurotic control by learning to see the world through a filter of fear, creating emotional paralysis.
Living in a constant state of fear is a miserable, unhappy way to exist. But imposing our fears onto our innocent child is the saddest of all outcomes.
There is hope, but it requires the parent to choose the mental health of their child over their fears. Ask yourself, "Which do I love more, my child or my fear?"
It sounds harsh, but that is what it comes down to. Will you refuse treatment and choose instead to allow your irrational behaviors and thoughts to negatively impact your family, or do you choose to protect your child from psychological harm by getting help for yourself?
Facing your fear is nearly impossible without professional help. If it was easy you would have done it already. But addressing your fear is one of the quickest "fixes" in therapeutic terms. To help you with life immediately, a medication called an SSRI may be prescribed. But to get permanently past your obsessive-compulsive tendencies you will need the help of a skilled cognitive/behavioral therapist.
With professional help you will learn how to identify your irrational thoughts, how to replace them with rational thinking, and how to work through your fears. Unlike many types of therapy, this process can take as few as 6 sessions, and rarely more than 6 months.
Imagine your life becoming free from anxiety and fear in as little as 6 weeks to 6 months. Six months is going to come and go weather or not you get help. How do you want to be living six months from now? How important is it to you to protect your children from emotional harm? Bite the bullet. Get the help. Choose life!
Friday
Music Therapy and Depression
By MedHeadlines
A recent review appearing in The Cochrane Library looked at five studies on music therapy and found that, though it shouldn’t be viewed as a stand-alone solution, music therapy may help ease depression.Three of the studies examined adults age 60 and older, one study adults between age 21 and 65, and one adolescents between 14 and 15. Four of the studies found that music therapy reduced the symptoms of depression. The fifth study found that it made no difference. However, the fifth study did not use a theory-based therapeutic technique. Lead author Anna Maratos said, “In the four studies where there was an impact, there was a very coherent theoretical framework, a very coherent explanation of what went on in the session and obvious reasons why the therapists were there. In the study that showed no effect, there didn’t seem to be any theoretical underpinning to the intervention. We have no idea why the therapist was there, really.”
“Music therapy” was defined as an intervention designed to improve health status that included musical interaction between therapist and patient within a structured theoretical framework and in which outcomes were born of music, talk inspired by music or therapeutic relationships.
Though no conclusive link was found between music therapy and an improvement in symptoms of depression, the positive correlation warrants a closer look. “It does make me wonder: What is standardized treatment [in music therapy]? There’s really a whole avenue of research that should be done,” said Shara Sand, Psy.D., clinical assistant professor of psychology at Yeshiva University.
Source: Health Behavior News Service
Thursday
Narcissistic Personalities
Q. Do Narcissists only love themselves?
Q. Do narcissists only love themselves?
A. Narcissists cannot love the way healthy people do. They profess love in order to be loved back. Narcissists are self centered and so they give only with the expectation of getting something in return. In a healthy relationship loving someone is not dependent upon emotional reciprocity. If your child disapoints you, you do not stop loving him, but the narcissist can hold life-long grudges when they feel slighted by another.
When the admiration begins to waine the narcissists "love" for that person stops as well. Narcissists love the reflection of themselves. In other words, they cannot formulate self love solely on who they are because inside they feel unloveable, so they project a self inflated image for others to see. They may flaunt intelligence, wealth, popularity etc.. When others buy into that projected image, and begin to reflect it back to the narcissist through admiration, awe, or clinging behavior the narcissist is able to love that reflected image of himself.
Q. Can the narcissist live a normal life?
A. Yes and no - what is normal? Narcissists seek after goals that are percieved as superior. They may believe that a higher education will make them important, or that attending a prestigeous university will give them an elevated status. If they haven't the means to reach their lofty goals they may engage in pathological lieing to create the image they believe will elevate their status to others.
The narcissist is the perverbvial name dropper. They derive immediate, but fleeting, self worth by associating themselves with others whom they percieve as superior. They may seek out interactions with those they admire as a way of associating themselves with those who emulate the image they desire. Being accepted into the circle of friendship boosts the narcissts self image and creates another opportunity to name drop at social functions.
Although the narcissist easily finds ways to talk about themselves and to flaunt their superior status, they seldom boast about their achievements directly. To maintain an image of super human ability they act as if their accomplishments were easily achieved. They may feel great shame admitting that they had to work hard to accomplish a goal.
Q. How can one recognize a narcissist?
A. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and lack of sincere empathy. Narcissists believe that the rules don't apply to them that they are above the law. Consequently they often disregard opinions and expectations from authority figures including police, doctors and those who don't agree with them. They may believe that they can safely drive while intoxicated or that they are intelligent enough to get away with a lie.
Narcissists need people in their life to view them as knowledgeable, charismatic and god-like. Consequently they seek romantic relationships with those who are easily swept off their feet in spite of obvious red flags. Once their lovers realize the narcissists true nature the relationship crumbles and the narcissist quickly finds ways to blame their partner for the break up.
Narcissists present a facade of confidence and of being in control when in fact they are covering for deep-seated insecurity and self hatred. Their ego is so under developed that they crave a constant flow of praise and admiration from others. When the narcissists facade is threatened they may go into overdrive attempting to convince others that they are right and that everyone around them is incompetent or vindictive.
Q. Do narcissists believe their lies?
A. Being exposed as a fraud is their worst fear and they may go to extremes to protect their perceived reputation even at the expense of the lives of those whom they perceive as a threat. Some severely ill narcissists would rather kill their loved ones than risk being caught in a lie. They may go to extremes to protect their elaborate web of denile.
The fragile ego of a narcissist compels them to constantly correct those around them, again, in an attempt to elevate themselves. By correcting grammer, being critical and impressing others with their knowledge they are in essence saying "I know better than you do. You are so inept that you need me to help you live your life the right way." They buy into their own lie but deep inside they feel like a fraud.
Q. How can I help someone who has narcissistic tendencies?
A. Helping a narcissist isn't easy. They see fault in everyone but themselves so pointing out their arrogant and abusive behaviors is likely to fall on deaf ears. NPD is a personality disorder which means that the assocdiated traits have been there most of their life. Because of this they are unlikely to change.
For more information go to www.Psych-Net.com/disorders.html
Tuesday
Social Awareness and Mental Disorders
Mental illness has long been a social taboo. But the fact is that mental illness is as common as the common cold. Nearly everyone has symptoms from time to time. Depression is a mental illness and almost half of the population will suffer with a serious depression at some point in their life. ADD and ADHD are mental disorders and although they are both widely over diagnosed it seems that people have little or no problem labeling themselves or their children with one or the other.
The difference between these disorders, and others that are less acceptable, is education and mass understanding. The more society knows about a mental illness the more they are able to talk about it, and the more the fog lifts that has kept it mysterious and frightening. The mentally ill person has never been the root of cultural fears. The fear lies within the individual who is afraid of what they do not understand.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV) is the mental health worker's "Bible" for determining which mental disorder is appropriate for a patient. Some of the listings that are not as well know to the general public are sleep disorders such as insomnia, childhood disorders such as Mathematics Disorder, and substance disorders such as Nicotine Use Disorder. Of course there are specific criteria that needs to be present in order to be given such a diagnosis, but I mention them to make a point. No one is completely immune to developing a problem that needs psychological attention.
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via FoxyTunes
Saturday
Surviving Grief and Loss
The winter months can be emotionally difficult for some of us. Perhaps the decrease in sun exposure plays a role. Or maybe it is the house-bound blues that contributes to feelings of sadness and grief. Feelings of grief can rise to the surface more easily during the winter months than any other time of year.
Intense feelings of grief can be overwhelming to the point of making it difficult to get through the day. It doesn't matter if you are grieving the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, the toll of grief on the psyche can carry you down into the depths of intense pain.
Here are some guidelines to help you through the grief process:
Take your time. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Give yourself permission to go through the process at your own rate and in your own way.
Allow yourself to get back into the swing of things. Laughing or enjoying lunch with a friend is not betraying your deceased loved one. Ask yourself if your loved one would want you to be miserable, or would they want you to enjoy your life?
Talk about your loss. Talking about the good times, your feelings of sadness and your aspirations for the future is one of the fastest ways to get through the grieving process.
Get back into your hobbies. Engaging in activities that require focus and creativity can be very therapeutic.
Give yourself a specified amount of time everyday to actively grieve. Taking 15 minutes every morning to slow down and feel your deepest feelings will not only help you get through the process but once you have allowed yourself time to feel your feelings you can then dedicate the rest of your day to getting on with life.
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Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday
Britney, Mental Illness and Lay Interpretation
Britney, Britney, Britney! In the last few months I have read articles claiming that Britney Spears is suffering from everything from drug addiction to multiple personalities. If you were to believe everything you read you would conclude that she is bi-polar, ADHD, psychotic, dissociative, narcissistic, depressed, suicidal, homicidal, alcoholic and a child abuser.
One thing I am sure of is that no one other than her own trained, professional, therapist can say for sure what is going on with her. And as far as I know, she doesn't have one.
It's curious how quickly lay people ascribe professional diagnosis to others. Everyone wants to believe that they are capable of diagnosing people with mental illness. If that were true it wouldn't take at least 7 years of college education and 2 years of a full time internship before therapists were able to do so.
I had a friend who, while divorcing her husband, began to tell everyone she knew that her husband had bi-polar disorder. He didn't. In fact he had never even been to a therapist and he didn't have the symptoms necessary for diagnosis. But she was sure of it, and so the rumor was spread around her small town.
Even insurance company employees want to believe that they have the ability to correctly diagnose patients they have only met on paper. I know a woman who has suffered with bi-polar disorder and psychosis for most of her adult life. She has a strong family history of the illness and all of the troubling symptoms that keep her from functioning in life. And yet her attempts to be granted Social Security Insurance have been denied over and over again. Her neighbor is a drug addict who was approved for Social Security the first time he applied - stating that his drug addiction kept him from keeping a job.
Mental Illness is a complex and often perplexing state of mind. Sometimes Its symptoms are easily noticed, more often they are not. Britney may be suffering from some form of mental illness, but unless and until the public is made aware of a specific illness it is senseless to speculate and cruel to arbitrarily assign a diagnosis.
Wednesday
Realizing Goals and New Year's Resolutions
What's Your New Year's Resolution?
Every January 1st millions of people make a lighthearted decision to somehow change their life for the better. You may decide to loose weight or to spend more quality time with your family. Whatever it is, for most of us, by January 15th we have lost our momentum and our resolution becomes nothing more than a wish.
Keeping up with a New Year's Resolution requires more than desire. It takes a prepared mindset that allows you to stay focused and committed to the daily behaviors required to make a permanent change. The desire to change is a good step, but to actually make that change much more is needed.
Here are the necessary requirements to making your resolutions a reality.
1. Be specific. Make your goal something tangible. Saying that you are going to do better at work is too general, there isn't anything tangible to work toward.
2. Break your goal down into measurable steps that can be accomplished along the way so that you can realize the perks that come with achievement every day.
3. Give yourself a deadline. This will help to keep you on task and will prevent you from expecting to make it happen too quickly or to put it off indefinitely.
4. Decide how determined you are to make your goal a reality. Ask yourself if you are willing to do all that it takes for as long as it takes - even when you are tempted to loose focus. Are you doing this for the right reasons? Goals to change your life for someone else rarely work.
5. Be accountable to someone else. Goals desired in secrecy are too easily left on the wayside when the going gets tough. Enlist a partner with whom you can share your progress and struggles.
6. Make your resolution simple. Make it something that is doable, something that you know in your very core that you will achieve. Otherwise you fall prey to feelings of failure; and that is no way to start off your new year.
Every January 1st millions of people make a lighthearted decision to somehow change their life for the better. You may decide to loose weight or to spend more quality time with your family. Whatever it is, for most of us, by January 15th we have lost our momentum and our resolution becomes nothing more than a wish.
Keeping up with a New Year's Resolution requires more than desire. It takes a prepared mindset that allows you to stay focused and committed to the daily behaviors required to make a permanent change. The desire to change is a good step, but to actually make that change much more is needed.
Here are the necessary requirements to making your resolutions a reality.
1. Be specific. Make your goal something tangible. Saying that you are going to do better at work is too general, there isn't anything tangible to work toward.
2. Break your goal down into measurable steps that can be accomplished along the way so that you can realize the perks that come with achievement every day.
3. Give yourself a deadline. This will help to keep you on task and will prevent you from expecting to make it happen too quickly or to put it off indefinitely.
4. Decide how determined you are to make your goal a reality. Ask yourself if you are willing to do all that it takes for as long as it takes - even when you are tempted to loose focus. Are you doing this for the right reasons? Goals to change your life for someone else rarely work.
5. Be accountable to someone else. Goals desired in secrecy are too easily left on the wayside when the going gets tough. Enlist a partner with whom you can share your progress and struggles.
6. Make your resolution simple. Make it something that is doable, something that you know in your very core that you will achieve. Otherwise you fall prey to feelings of failure; and that is no way to start off your new year.
Friday
Childhood Depression and Self Injury
When I was in graduate school one of my first clients was a woman who came in to talk about her depression. At her second session she confided that she was worried about her 3 year old son who was belligerent and often banged his head when he was frustrated. At the time I didn't really know what to make of it and I suggested that she take him to his pediatrician to be assessed for autism.
Because I was only a student therapist and she only had a few sessions with me, I never learned the outcome of her son's doctor visit.
If she were to come to see me now I would do things differently. I would have her bring her son in to be assessed for depression. We now know that depression can have strong familial and genetic ties. We also know that even very little children can suffer with depression. But because children are not verbally or emotionally sophisticated they show symptoms of depression in very different ways from adults. Both parents and pediatricians can miss the child's cries for help.
Children, even infants, have feelings of anger, frustration, stress and depression. But they don't know how to adequately communicate their feelings. Consequently their frustration and anxiety increases even further and they degenerate into an emotional heap; throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting themselves in the head and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Parents become perplexed and worry that their child may be turning into a brat. Not so. Just as with adults, depression in children causes them to feel unheard, unloved and unworthy of love. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable is so great that they distract themselves from their emotional pain by focusing on creating physical pain.
If the child's depression and feelings of worthlessness go unchecked they may grow into teens and adults who begin cutting themselves, getting involved in masochistic sexual relationships or taking drugs, attempting to use physical pain as a distraction from their intense emotional pain.
If you have a child or infant who is frequently tantruming, banging their head, hitting themselves or otherwise causing themselves physical pain, take them to see a clinical psychologist who is well versed in childhood depression, to be assessed. Even if your family dynamics are such that they are contributing to the child's unhappy behavior, it is important to learn if there is a genetic component as well.
Don't be too quick to label your child belligerent or bratty. Punishing this behavior only validates the child's feelings of worthlessness and increases their anger and frustration. Depression isn't a choice. However you, the parent, can choose to help your suffering child.
Because I was only a student therapist and she only had a few sessions with me, I never learned the outcome of her son's doctor visit.
If she were to come to see me now I would do things differently. I would have her bring her son in to be assessed for depression. We now know that depression can have strong familial and genetic ties. We also know that even very little children can suffer with depression. But because children are not verbally or emotionally sophisticated they show symptoms of depression in very different ways from adults. Both parents and pediatricians can miss the child's cries for help.
Children, even infants, have feelings of anger, frustration, stress and depression. But they don't know how to adequately communicate their feelings. Consequently their frustration and anxiety increases even further and they degenerate into an emotional heap; throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting themselves in the head and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Parents become perplexed and worry that their child may be turning into a brat. Not so. Just as with adults, depression in children causes them to feel unheard, unloved and unworthy of love. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable is so great that they distract themselves from their emotional pain by focusing on creating physical pain.
If the child's depression and feelings of worthlessness go unchecked they may grow into teens and adults who begin cutting themselves, getting involved in masochistic sexual relationships or taking drugs, attempting to use physical pain as a distraction from their intense emotional pain.
If you have a child or infant who is frequently tantruming, banging their head, hitting themselves or otherwise causing themselves physical pain, take them to see a clinical psychologist who is well versed in childhood depression, to be assessed. Even if your family dynamics are such that they are contributing to the child's unhappy behavior, it is important to learn if there is a genetic component as well.
Don't be too quick to label your child belligerent or bratty. Punishing this behavior only validates the child's feelings of worthlessness and increases their anger and frustration. Depression isn't a choice. However you, the parent, can choose to help your suffering child.
Sunday
Is That Normal?
I'm often asked if a particular behavior is normal. As usual the answer is "It depends."
By definition, normal is something that conforms to a social standard, and the reasoning is valid. For instance, Most people are apprehensive around a poisonous snake, and the behavior of stepping away is valid - because the snake is capable of causing you harm.
In general you can determine if a particular behavior is normal by asking yourself if it, in any way, causes difficulty in any area of your life. For instance, spending an hour to apply your makeup in order to feel satisfied with your look is abnormal in that 1. most people can apply their make up in a few minutes, and 2. the time you spend applying makeup takes time away that could be put to better use. You may be loosing sleep because you wake up earlier than you would otherwise choose to, or you may be chronically late because of the time you spend on your makeup etc.
Sometimes the range of what is considered normal is quite varied. For instance the frequency of sex in a normal relationship can range from once a month to every day. That is because other issues are considered such as age, relationship length, health and personal preference. Still, frequency that does not fall within the social norm is considered abnormal.
Sometimes people rationalize that their deviant behavior is in fact normal by attesting that "everyone does it" when in fact everyone does not do it and in fact the majority of people do not. I recently heard a man use this rationale to justify his addiction to pornography.
So if you are wondering if a particular behavior is normal, ask yourself if most people would see it as the norm, and then ask yourself how accurate your reasoning is for engaging in the behavior. Is your life being adversely affected because of your behavior?
The trick is to be honest with yourself. Sometimes asking an unbiased other is a good way to get the best feedback.
By definition, normal is something that conforms to a social standard, and the reasoning is valid. For instance, Most people are apprehensive around a poisonous snake, and the behavior of stepping away is valid - because the snake is capable of causing you harm.
In general you can determine if a particular behavior is normal by asking yourself if it, in any way, causes difficulty in any area of your life. For instance, spending an hour to apply your makeup in order to feel satisfied with your look is abnormal in that 1. most people can apply their make up in a few minutes, and 2. the time you spend applying makeup takes time away that could be put to better use. You may be loosing sleep because you wake up earlier than you would otherwise choose to, or you may be chronically late because of the time you spend on your makeup etc.
Sometimes the range of what is considered normal is quite varied. For instance the frequency of sex in a normal relationship can range from once a month to every day. That is because other issues are considered such as age, relationship length, health and personal preference. Still, frequency that does not fall within the social norm is considered abnormal.
Sometimes people rationalize that their deviant behavior is in fact normal by attesting that "everyone does it" when in fact everyone does not do it and in fact the majority of people do not. I recently heard a man use this rationale to justify his addiction to pornography.
So if you are wondering if a particular behavior is normal, ask yourself if most people would see it as the norm, and then ask yourself how accurate your reasoning is for engaging in the behavior. Is your life being adversely affected because of your behavior?
The trick is to be honest with yourself. Sometimes asking an unbiased other is a good way to get the best feedback.
Friday
Smells and Likeability
New research from Northwestern University shows that people are sensitive to infinitesimal scents that affect whether or not we like somebody.According to ScienceDaily (Dec. 7, 2007) "We may think our judgments are based only on various conscious bits of information, but our senses also may provide subliminal perceptual information that affects our behavior."
Apparently the study showed that smells that could be detected such as perfume and loud body odor did not effect the participants decision in determining the likability of a stranger. However, scents that were not readily noticed were powerful factors in the participants decision to like or not like someone.
The study adds to a growing body of research suggesting that subliminal sensory information -- whether from scents, vision or hearing -- affects perception.
*The paper "Subliminal Smells Can Guide Social Preferences" was published in the December issue of Psychological Science.
Monday
Shrink or be Shrunk, Your Brain on Anti-Depressants
New research just out 2 weeks ago has determined that people who suffer with depression are also likely to suffer with brain shrinkage. It appears that depression causes the hypothalamus areas of the brain to atrophy under prolonged periods of stress and depression.
They hypothalamus works in conjunction with the limbic system which is the emotion-control center for your brain. The good news is that those who have taken anti-depressants for long term treatment have little or no atrophy of the brain.
Psychologists have suggested that those suffering with anxiety and depressive symptoms could be helped greatly by a combination of anti-depressant treatment and therapy. According to this study that is exactly what needs to happen.
Too often people refuse to take anti-depressants because they believe that by doing so they might appear weak. They refuse to go to therapy for the same reason. Now there is scientific proof that taking anti-depressants and going to therapy is not only the fastest way to end your depression and anxiety, but it is necessary for the normal functioning of your brain.
Stop giving in to your pride and start taking care of your brain.
Click here for full research article
They hypothalamus works in conjunction with the limbic system which is the emotion-control center for your brain. The good news is that those who have taken anti-depressants for long term treatment have little or no atrophy of the brain.
Psychologists have suggested that those suffering with anxiety and depressive symptoms could be helped greatly by a combination of anti-depressant treatment and therapy. According to this study that is exactly what needs to happen.
Too often people refuse to take anti-depressants because they believe that by doing so they might appear weak. They refuse to go to therapy for the same reason. Now there is scientific proof that taking anti-depressants and going to therapy is not only the fastest way to end your depression and anxiety, but it is necessary for the normal functioning of your brain.
Stop giving in to your pride and start taking care of your brain.
Click here for full research article
Who's Living in Your Neighborhood?
A few statistics about your neighborhood:
• One out of every 100 people in the population has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
• Ten percent of the population have experienced depression this year and half of them deal with a lifetime of depressive episodes. Forty-five percent of your neighbors experience an episode of depression sometime before the age of 45.
• Fifteen percent of the general population has a diagnosable personality disorder.
• 0.5 – 2.5 percent of your neighbors suffer with clinical paranoia.
• Two percent of your neighbors have Antisocial Personality Disorder (formerly known as sociopaths)
• Two percent have incurable Borderline Personality Disorder
• One percent is diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and another 15% have significant symptoms of the disorder.
• Five percent have a schizoid or schizotypal disorder.
• Ten percent are significantly physically disabled.
• 2.6 to 3.4% are legally blind.
• 8.2% have significant hearing impairments – 0.8% have severe to profound hearing impairments.
• Three percent are mentally retarded.
• Between one and eight percent of children have specific learning disabilities.
• Between 0.5-1.5% have recurring seizures.
• forty-four percent of your neighbors have been divorced at least once.
Chances are that you or someone close to you suffers some form of mental, physical or emotional disability. Isn't it time that we removed the stigmas and reserved our judgment?
• One out of every 100 people in the population has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
• Ten percent of the population have experienced depression this year and half of them deal with a lifetime of depressive episodes. Forty-five percent of your neighbors experience an episode of depression sometime before the age of 45.
• Fifteen percent of the general population has a diagnosable personality disorder.
• 0.5 – 2.5 percent of your neighbors suffer with clinical paranoia.
• Two percent of your neighbors have Antisocial Personality Disorder (formerly known as sociopaths)
• Two percent have incurable Borderline Personality Disorder
• One percent is diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and another 15% have significant symptoms of the disorder.
• Five percent have a schizoid or schizotypal disorder.
• Ten percent are significantly physically disabled.
• 2.6 to 3.4% are legally blind.
• 8.2% have significant hearing impairments – 0.8% have severe to profound hearing impairments.
• Three percent are mentally retarded.
• Between one and eight percent of children have specific learning disabilities.
• Between 0.5-1.5% have recurring seizures.
• forty-four percent of your neighbors have been divorced at least once.
Chances are that you or someone close to you suffers some form of mental, physical or emotional disability. Isn't it time that we removed the stigmas and reserved our judgment?
Thursday
Owen Wilson, Suicide & Stopping the Pain
Owen Wilson is scheduled to give a My Space interview later today in which he is expected to finally discuss his attempted suicide last August.
In August the New York Post reported that the distraught actor was found "bloodied and dazed after overdosing on pills and slitting his wrists." The article added that "Wilson, 38, tried to take his own life after a bitter blowup with a close pal."
So how is it that even people who seem to have everything, who appear happy, stable and mentally healthy can laps into depression so deeply that they want to die? It may be difficult to understand but it is not unusual.
Depression is largely a silent killer. Because of stigma and denial the depressed person attempts to hide their symptoms from the world and even from themselves. When in public they put on a smiling mask and do their best to get through their day - until they sink so low that they can no longer function in public.
Even then the depressed person may claim illness or exhaustion to disguise their mental darkness and emotional pain. The pain becomes so intolerable that they begin to believe that the only way to stop it is to end their life. Family and friends have their own denial to defend them from having to deal with something as frightening as a loved one's depressed mental state. And so the symptoms go unnoticed until it is too late.
Dissolving the taboo surrounding the topic of depression is one way to curtail a loved one's attempt at suicide. But our culture has a long way to go before we feel secure enough with our own ability to deal with anothers dark emotions. It takes courage, self awareness and understanding.
For more information about:
Depression click here
Depression Questions Answered click here.
More Answers click here
Suicide click here
Suicide Questions & Answers click here
Despair click here
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)click here
In August the New York Post reported that the distraught actor was found "bloodied and dazed after overdosing on pills and slitting his wrists." The article added that "Wilson, 38, tried to take his own life after a bitter blowup with a close pal."
So how is it that even people who seem to have everything, who appear happy, stable and mentally healthy can laps into depression so deeply that they want to die? It may be difficult to understand but it is not unusual.
Depression is largely a silent killer. Because of stigma and denial the depressed person attempts to hide their symptoms from the world and even from themselves. When in public they put on a smiling mask and do their best to get through their day - until they sink so low that they can no longer function in public.
Even then the depressed person may claim illness or exhaustion to disguise their mental darkness and emotional pain. The pain becomes so intolerable that they begin to believe that the only way to stop it is to end their life. Family and friends have their own denial to defend them from having to deal with something as frightening as a loved one's depressed mental state. And so the symptoms go unnoticed until it is too late.
Dissolving the taboo surrounding the topic of depression is one way to curtail a loved one's attempt at suicide. But our culture has a long way to go before we feel secure enough with our own ability to deal with anothers dark emotions. It takes courage, self awareness and understanding.
For more information about:
Depression click here
Depression Questions Answered click here.
More Answers click here
Suicide click here
Suicide Questions & Answers click here
Despair click here
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)click here
Tuesday
Consumer Beware - Therapy for Therapists
Human beings have a tendency to stereotype and compartmentalize others. This is especially true for those in our culture that hold positions of authority such as doctors, clergy and police officers. We see them functioning in their profession and tend to forget that they are just people like us with families, problems and failings. This fact is particularly true for those who work in the mental health field.
This fact in of itself isn't a problem. The problem arises when those wishing to become therapists, counselors and psychologists are doing so as a way to elevate themselves in the eyes of others, and to mask their deep seated insecurities and lack of self-love behind a diploma. Somewhere inside they know that they need therapy themselves, but they are afraid to do the painful work of self introspection that therapy provides and that healing requires. So they get a degree in psychology instead. They may believe that having an education will eliminate their need for therapy - not so.
Without proper help, the educated, unhealed therapist attempts to convince themselves and others that their profession defines them. People look to them for answers in their own life expecting that the therapists' advice will be based on having gained mastery over their own emotional, marital and childhood difficulties. The unhealed therapist is perpetuating a lie and fraudulently takes money without the ability to sufficiently help others.
A therapist cannot lift a client higher than where they themselves are standing. Consequently it is imperative that each therapist be willing to do their own work before attempting to help others. To deny themselves of this is to live life as a fraud.
As a consumer, it is vital that you understand that about 50% of all therapists should be on the couch rather than behind it. Never assume that your therapist has all the answers. And realize that you may have to visit several therapists before you find one that is mentally healthy enough to lift you up to where you want to be.
This fact in of itself isn't a problem. The problem arises when those wishing to become therapists, counselors and psychologists are doing so as a way to elevate themselves in the eyes of others, and to mask their deep seated insecurities and lack of self-love behind a diploma. Somewhere inside they know that they need therapy themselves, but they are afraid to do the painful work of self introspection that therapy provides and that healing requires. So they get a degree in psychology instead. They may believe that having an education will eliminate their need for therapy - not so.
Without proper help, the educated, unhealed therapist attempts to convince themselves and others that their profession defines them. People look to them for answers in their own life expecting that the therapists' advice will be based on having gained mastery over their own emotional, marital and childhood difficulties. The unhealed therapist is perpetuating a lie and fraudulently takes money without the ability to sufficiently help others.
A therapist cannot lift a client higher than where they themselves are standing. Consequently it is imperative that each therapist be willing to do their own work before attempting to help others. To deny themselves of this is to live life as a fraud.
As a consumer, it is vital that you understand that about 50% of all therapists should be on the couch rather than behind it. Never assume that your therapist has all the answers. And realize that you may have to visit several therapists before you find one that is mentally healthy enough to lift you up to where you want to be.
Monday
Adult Children of Divorce - How to Cope
Most people these days have some understanding of the emotional trauma that children undergo when their parents divorce. Because of the increase of divorce during the 80's much of the latest research has focused on adult children of divorce - both those who were young when their parent's divorced and those who are adults dealing with a parent's divorce.
What has been very telling in the latest research is the finding that adults who's parent's have long since divorced report having unresolved feelings that directly relate to the early family break-up. Many report still feeling partly responsible for their parent's divorce, and most report having had much difficulty in their adult life forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Another interesting finding is that for those who are adults at the time of their parent's divorce, the feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and insecurity are much the same as they are for children who's parents divorce. They worry about family gatherings and who will be upset if the adult child spends time with the other parent. They feel torn in their desire to remain loyal to both parents. They fear loosing the love or the relationship with one or both parents. Overall, the feelings, the trauma and the discomfort remains the same - just the level of understanding differs.
Here are some ways that adult children can begin to cope:
* The adult child should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict.
* Don't get involved in their financial arrangements or invite one parent to live with you during their transition.
* The adult child needs to have a well developed support network that allows a "safe" place to let out feelings and to recieve helpful input.
* Grieving is normal! you need to allow yourself times to cry, times to vent, and times to feel sad. It's OK.
* It's important to work on forgiving your parents weaknesses and faults. A little understanding and reasonable expectations go a long way toward healing.
* Family gatherings are important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.
* Create your own traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family ties.
* Spend positive time together at the new family gatherings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.
* If angry feelings bubble to the surface when family is together politely excuse yourself and later let the family know that you refuse to be involved in any type of gossip or angry banter against other members of the family.
What has been very telling in the latest research is the finding that adults who's parent's have long since divorced report having unresolved feelings that directly relate to the early family break-up. Many report still feeling partly responsible for their parent's divorce, and most report having had much difficulty in their adult life forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Another interesting finding is that for those who are adults at the time of their parent's divorce, the feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and insecurity are much the same as they are for children who's parents divorce. They worry about family gatherings and who will be upset if the adult child spends time with the other parent. They feel torn in their desire to remain loyal to both parents. They fear loosing the love or the relationship with one or both parents. Overall, the feelings, the trauma and the discomfort remains the same - just the level of understanding differs.
Here are some ways that adult children can begin to cope:
* The adult child should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict.
* Don't get involved in their financial arrangements or invite one parent to live with you during their transition.
* The adult child needs to have a well developed support network that allows a "safe" place to let out feelings and to recieve helpful input.
* Grieving is normal! you need to allow yourself times to cry, times to vent, and times to feel sad. It's OK.
* It's important to work on forgiving your parents weaknesses and faults. A little understanding and reasonable expectations go a long way toward healing.
* Family gatherings are important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.
* Create your own traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family ties.
* Spend positive time together at the new family gatherings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.
* If angry feelings bubble to the surface when family is together politely excuse yourself and later let the family know that you refuse to be involved in any type of gossip or angry banter against other members of the family.
Insecurity & the Green Eyed Monster
A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.
Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.
I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.
So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?
Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."
I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.
Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.
Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.
I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.
So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?
Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."
I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.
Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.
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